Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

Parents are always hungry for entertainment, and we take it where we can get it because babysitting is expensive.  This is why you will see parents on the sidelines at kids soccer games getting more into the game than fans of competing teams at the Super Bowl.  This is also why parents seem to often be amused at their own insights into life.

So this is the reason I went off on a thought tangent today when I heard myself telling my son, "If you start a sentence by saying, 'no offense but,' then you probably shouldn't finish that sentence."  I realized as I was saying it that this is good advice for adults as well as children.  I thought about all the times people start sentences with things like, don't get upset but, or can I be frank, or would you mind if I tell you.  If you need to ask, then yes, I mind, and I will get upset, and you cannot be frank.  But you already know this.  Otherwise you wouldn't ask.

This got me thinking about things that are better left unsaid.  We all teach our children not to always speak their mind.  We say, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."  We have to remember to listen to our own advice.  Especially when talking to our children.  How often I hear parents insulting their children, in the name of honest parenting.  How often I do it myself.  Is it more important for my daughter's outfits to match, or for me to refrain from telling her it doesn't?   Is it more important for my son to score a goal in soccer, or for me to encourage him on the effort made during the game?  Although children need guidance, I think more often than not the criticism is better left unsaid.

Of course this is a difficult thing to balance.  How do you teach and guide your children, yet refrain from criticising?  And how can you spend all day caring for your children and for the house, and at the same time maintain the patience necessary to speak gently and thoughtfully all the time?  Well, I have some ideas, but I'm thinking that some things are better left unsaid...

Zero Tolerance?

There is a news story today about an 11 year old boy who was arrested and locked up in a cell, fingerprinted, and not allowed to see his parents, without actually having committed any crime.  (See the full article here: http://www.theblaze.com/stories/11-year-old-co-boy-arrested-for-innapropriate-stick-figure-drawing/)   Shocked?  So am I.  This student, on the advice of his therapist, chose to deal with feelings of anger not by acting out but rather by drawing a picture as an outlet for his feelings.  He drew a stick figure picture of himself with a gun, and four other people with the words "teachers must die" over them.  This does sound pretty disturbing.  But what happens next is even more disturbing.  He was about to throw out the picture when the teacher caught him and asked to see it.  She then sent him to the principle, the principle contacted the police, and later that day police came to his home and arrested him.

There have been a few other examples of extreme overreaction with zero tolerance polities.  To name a couple, in 2000 in Texas, a 13 year old boy was required to write a scary story for a Halloween-based assignment. His story involved a character who shot students at a school. Consequently, the teenager was arrested and spent six days in jail before police confirmed that no crime was committed.  In that same year, in Florida, a 14 year old special needs student was referred to the police after the principal discovered that the child allegedly stole $2 from a classmate. The child was charged with “strong-armed robbery” and was held in an adult jail for six weeks. When a CBS “60 Minutes” news crew arrived to report this case, the charges pending were dropped.      

Since public schools implemented their Zero Tolerance policy, they say there will be swift and severe consequences for violence.  Bringing a knife to school, or getting into a fist fight, will cause a student to be arrested.  They made this policy because the violence in schools was getting out of hand.  But now I think Zero Tolerance Policy is getting out of hand.  As the therapist of this child said, "handcuffing an 11 year old and putting him in a cell over something like this is “quite an overreaction” and does much more harm than good."

Is Zero Tolerance Policy possible when dealing with children?  Children need to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.  This incident is an example how "one size fits all" policy does not work with children.  It sounds logical in theory to say we have zero tolerance for violence, but if that translates into arresting an 11 year old boy, and scaring the living daylights out of him, locking him up in a cell and not allowing him to see his parents, while he thinks he will spend the rest of his life in prison and never go home or see his family again, well that sounds pretty violent to me.

It's All Relative

On Friday, my mother in law in New York told me "We had such a beautiful day here today, we just wanted to be outside, it was sixty degrees!"  "Wow," I told her, "you're really lucky.  Here it was freezing, the kids didn't even want to go out at all, it was sixty degrees!"

This of course made me laugh.  It also made me think of how much our perspective affects our reality.  When we were told as kids to eat our brussel sprouts because there were children starving in Africa, that didn't help us stomach the taste at all, because in comparison to our other food the brussel sprouts had no taste.  Nor did it help the starving children in Africa, but that is another matter.  The same applies to the toys we received as kids, we loved it until a friend had a better toy.

My kids ask me all the time if things are "a lot of money."  If we're shopping for lego, (which we do quite often, by the way,) they will ask, "is 10 dollars for a ninjago a lot of money?"  Well, that depends, I say.  For some people its pocket change, and for others it's a week of food to feed their family (again, Africa.)  I try to explain to them the concept of "value" and of buying what you can afford.  But I think it will take time before they can understand that affordability is relative.

There are many other examples we discuss of relativity.  I tell them the story all parents tell their children, about how we used to walk two miles to school in the freezing snow, backwards and uphill both ways.  By comparison they should be thankful all they have to do is keep their rooms clean and brush their teeth.  But I don't think they completely understand, and they think I'm exaggerating about my walk to school.

I remember when we first moved to LA, I was amazed on a daily basis that wherever I drove, I would see palm trees and mountain tops.  I loved that it almost never rained, and even when it did the some came out at least once a day.  And I was amazed that people would stay home because "it's raining."  If it rained for two days in a row, no one could believe how bad the weather was.  Drivers slowed down as if it was a snow storm.  Now, a little over two years in, I have become used to this weather, and not only do I not feel calmed by the palm trees, I slow down my car when it's raining, and I even try not to go out in the rain if I don't have to!

So now I know with certainty that my perception is relative, and it can even change as what I am used to changes.  One person's rain is another persons snow.  One mother's beautiful day is another mother's freezing.

Numbers and Shapes

Preschool math is all about numbers and shapes.  My daughter is learning how to count, write numbers, group numbers, and identify shapes.  As we were working on "finding the shape within the shape" in her workbook, the thought struck me that much of our adult lives are centered around numbers and shapes.  Take, for example, fitness.  Fitness is all about numbers and shapes.  And of course most adults do spend a lot of thought if not also time on fitness.  We fret over numbers on the scale, hours logged at the gym, mileage, and of course the ever elusive dream of being in shape. 

I tell my daughter that these mathematical concepts that she is learning will be useful throughout her life.  I enjoy making my children's lessons meaningful to them by showing them how it is used in different ways.  This doesn't always work, and it can be difficult to explain why they need to learn the square root of pi, or memorize the names of the presidents.  Learning for the sake of learning is also important, and memorizing creates new connections in the brain that actually makes you smarter than you were before.  And of course  you never know when a small tidbit of information will come in handy, for example on an job interview or even in social situations.  (See, homeschool families incorporate socialization into our lessons as well!)  But it's nice to be able to clearly explain the benefit of learning, and its practical usage.  So I was very happy to explain to my daughter the importance of numbers to manage money and the use of shapes in architecture.  But I don't explain to her how adults sometimes become very concerned with numbers and shapes, specifically with the numbers on the scale, and the "shape" they're in (or not in.)  As much as numbers are important, I want her to focus on fitness for its health benefits rather than for weight.  I want her to think of food as nutrition and as fuel, not as numbers of calories.  When it comes to fitness and body image, being too concerned with numbers is not beneficial.  And who decided what "being in shape" really means anyway?  Shapes come in many different forms.  Maybe us adults should be satisfied with the variety of shapes that we come in, rather than all trying to fit into the same one.

And speaking of shapes, THE BOX is one shape that homeschooling families pride themselves in thinking outside of.  The dining room table is a classroom.  Math is learned while grocery shopping.  Science is in the backyard garden.  Playing is learning.  Shoes are always optional.  And round is a shape, too.

Brushing your teeth isn't a chore

When did brushing your teeth become a chore?  There are things children should be doing to "pull their own weight" around the house, such as making their own beds and putting away their clean laundry.  Even helping with setting and clearing the table and with carrying in and putting away the groceries.  These can be considered chores.  Sometimes you're in the mood to do them, and sometimes you're not.  I can understand if a child feels burdened by having to help out in the house when he really just wants to play, and complaining about making his bed when he's just going to mess it up again anyway in about 12 hours.  I can understand that.  I would still say they have to do these things, and explain to them the value of maintaining a well running home, and of being able to take care of oneself.  I would also explain to this child that he is lucky he is learning how to do housework because these living skills will help him function well as an adult.  I would point out that many students away at college for the first time are at a loss when they have to do their own laundry and cook their own meals for the first time, without any prior training.  I would explain it is better to learn to always increase self-care responsibilities until, by the time one finds oneself in college, he can fully care for himself instead of eating only fast foods and wearing clothing pulled out of the hamper.  However, I would hope I don't have to explain why showering daily is important, and why brushing your teeth has to be done twice a day.  However, when I tell my children to brush their teeth before bed time, they sometimes act as if this is a surprise to them, as if we haven't been doing this every night since they were one years old.  They say, "Brush my teeth again?  I'm not in the mood.  Do I have to?"  And this is when I have one of those are-you-serious moments in parenting, when I wonder, really, are they serious?  But they are.  I shouldn't have to explain to them that brushing your teeth isn't a chore, but I do have to.  I remind myself that, as a parent, sometimes I have to explain the obvious.  Because it's not obvious until you know it.  I tell them they don't have to be in the mood to brush their teeth.  I explain that it should be a habit, done almost without thinking.  I say brushing your teeth isn't a chore.  And I can only hope that one day they will laugh, when they find themselves saying the same thing to their own children.

Birthdays

Birthdays are like any other day.  Chores need to be done, children need to be fed, blog posts need to be written, and bills need to be paid.  But there is a big difference.  On your birthday, although the day might seem like any other day, suddenly everyone wants to hear every detail.

My daily activities are pretty mundane; cook, drive the kids to various activities, fold laundry, clean the kitchen again, change the baby's diaper, and cook some more.  On my birthday I do these same things.  The only difference is that because its my birthday, my friends and family call and ask, in a very excited voice, "So what are you DOING today?"  Well, I'm making breakfast for the kids right now, then I'm driving the boys to soccer, I'm going to try to squeeze in a workout at the gym, and I have piles of laundry to go through.  Should I reheat the meatballs from last night for dinner, or should I make something fresh?  And, hey, how come you sound interested in all this, yesterday when I told you what I was "doing today" I could hear you yawning through the phone?

The truth is I really appreciate these phone calls.  Starting from childhood, everyone has a need to feel special and recognized on their birthdays.  Its your own personal holiday, just for you.  And every adult knows the feeling of a birthday that passes without feeling special; it's downright depressing.  The extra attention on your birthday is uplifting and validating.  It reminds you that through the mundanities of daily life, there is the specialness that is you.  If we would celebrate ourselves every day, the specialness would lose its value.  But once a year, we each celebrate our own day, by basking in the attention and well wishes, and reminding ourselves that what we are doing today is special.  No matter what it is.

Lego's Underfoot

Nothing says "Parenthood" more than waking up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and stepping on a tiny, pointy lego piece on your way.  Ouch!  It's during those precious moments of holding your hurting foot in one hand and covering your mouth with your other hand so that you don't wake up any sleeping babies, that you really arrive at a deep understanding of being a Parent.

I used to think bringing home a beautiful, warm, wrapped little newborn made me and my husband parents.  And it did, in a way.  Having your own baby is an important step in becoming a parent.  But it's only a step.  Becoming a real Parent doesn't happen overnight, it's a lifelong process of changing yourself.  As children get older, they test you to see your reactions, they test your love, they push limits, and they leave lego out on the floor in strategic places.  They don't just add to your responsibilities, they permeate every area of your life.  That little newborn will make you feel a type of love you never knew existed before you had him.  But can you call on that love to take over and prevent you from swearing loudly when you step on the lego that the beautiful newborn left on the floor, just so that you don't wake him up? Now THAT's parenthood.